Once I lose a little weight I will put up a "Before" picture, then shorly follow it up with another "Before" until I feel ready to accept the "After".

I had finally had enough of watching my midsection (and let's face it, the rest of my bottom half as well) expand. I took drastic measures and began frequenting the gym. I'm no “gym rat”, but I do a fair impression. I spend 3 days a week at the gym for two hours, and then ride a few miles on my stationary bike at home. I have been doing this for the past 2 weeks and I have dropped 5 lbs. That's right, 34 hours equals a bag of potatoes and a disgruntled chubby lady.

I realized early on that I like to eat, so I knew that dieting was completely out of the question. I can cut back but really, 2 cookies and a cupcake is hardly better then 1 cookie and all the crumbs plus my mini cupcake and whatever the kids left sitting for too long. No, for me, I am willing to spend more time exercising and sweaty then to stop eating all the yummy things that make me happy. I know that 5 lbs is nothing to sneeze at and I was very happy with it up until this past weekend.

This weekend we went to one of those Wellness fairs at my husband's work. You know, those early morning events that force you to walk two miles before rewarding you with a T-shirt and a hotdog lunch (complete with chips and 2 sodas). There were several booths set up to help “educate” us on healthy lifestyles (but instead of an education, I went home with pencils, pens, pedometers, cups, candy, gum, bags, bears, balls...all in multiples of 6). Usually, at the outrageously early hour of 9 am on a Saturday, I would skip the booths and head home for a nap but there were door prizes. Last year at this shindig we won our Alaskan cruise and I wasn't about to walk away from another shot at free junk that I may or may not want or need but I am not against winning. This year we only won a fishing pole but my kids were still pretty excited. I did come to the conclusion that hanging around for the prize drawings is way more fun when you win the Grand Prize as opposed to leaning on your fishing pole watching someone else walk out with stuff you would gladly trade it for, while trying to control 6 kids and a husband who wanted to leave 2 hours ago. But that's not the point.

While perusing the various vendors, I encountered a dermatologist who ruined my life. He was very nice and helpful. He lured me in with miniature candy bars and talk of outpatient procedures and then pulled out his “special” scale. It looked harmless enough and what did I have to fear? I may be a little rounder then I used to be, but I conveniently bring 6 excuses for that with me every where I go. Plus, I just lost 5 pounds. Bring on the crappy “special” scale. I will dominate it (or so I thought right before it punched me in the face and made me cry like an obese baby).

I had to take off my shoes and socks so it could send some sort of current through my body to get a variety of measurements. I stepped on while wearing my rose colored glasses only to step off and have them snatched off my face by an anorexic devil woman who promptly smashed them into tiny pieces along with all my self respect and danced in the shatters mess without even mussing her hair. I wanted to knock her over (which I could have easily done considering I was quite a bit larger then her). Heck, If I put all my weight (according to her stinking print out) behind it, I could have knocked her through several walls and possibly a time zone. Who would have thought that a small slip of receipt paper could shake my foundation to the core?

The results were correct (according to all 4 beanpoles working the station). It confirmed that I currently weigh 178 lbs (Take a breath. That is not the shocking part. I knew that part. I had a baby 5 months ago for Pete’s sake. I am still nursing. How can a person birth one little human after another and not hold on to a little padding? Stop judging me!!! I thought we were friends.). Apparently 68 pounds of that is water, 40 pounds of that is bone and structural necessities, and (here's the Earth shattering part) the remaining 70 pounds is a yummy mixture of Dr Pepper, Cheetos, and various brands of Chocolate, ice cream, and fast food. Seventy Pounds.
70 pounds.
Seventy lbs.
70 lbs.
No matter how you put it, I have an eight year old worth of fat hugging my curves. Wait, I have an eight year old creating my curves. No wonder I'm so lumpy. Have you ever seen an eight year old color? Half the time I can't even tell what it's supposed to be! You see what I'm saying right? After that news five pounds seems like a joke. It amounts to little more then a healthy pee before weighing myself. 34 hours of work for what, a trip to the lue? What is the point? Why even bother?

Needless to say, my weekend was ruined and it took 2 cupcakes and a HoHo to calm me down. Once I was calm (and my husband was able to pry the pastries out of my hand), I decide that I needed to reprocess the information and form a new battle plan. I like exercising...sometimes. It gives me some time away from the kids and really it makes me feel better. I mean, before that scale sucked all of the hope out of my life, I was really happy with the 5 pounds. Plus, in reality, I'm not Biggest Loser fat (I know, I applied and was rejected). I am slightly over my recommended weight and about 30 pounds from my ideal weight. Even setting my expectations lower then 5 pounds in two weeks, I will only have to keep it up at this pace for 3 months. I am a champ at maintaining my weight. So, all I need is a new game plan and perspective.

Here goes...I have a 3 prong plan designed to attack all areas of weight and attitude. It is truly a holistic approach, leaving out no area that can be exploited for weight loss.
New Perspective and Plan:
1. Drink Less water and pee more. (I otta be able to chip away at that 68 lbs in no time.)
2. Sweat more (no problem, since I had the baby I can't seem to stop sweating. Gotta love the untold joys of motherhood)
3. Drink more soda (I've heard that the carbonation in soda eats away the calcium in your bones thereby making them lighter.)
4. Stop lifting heavy things (as muscle weighs more then fat)
5. Realize that they must have left out information (I now can accept the 70 lbs, if I account for all items included. Brain matter, not being a STRUCTURAL necessity or water, must have been included in the third classification. Now lets be frank people, I am a genius, so it should not surprise or upset me that my brain weighs far more then the eight pound average touted in Jerry McGuire. I am quite sure that mine is well into the 25 – 30 lb range and that is a good thing. So to lose weight in this area, I will continue with what I am doing in my time at the gym because I now realize that I have less to lose because I can't be less smart.).

Now before you, my dear reader, freak out. Remember that I am smarter then most people (I wasn't joking about that part so stop smirking) and I know that my plan is slightly flawed. I realize that if I follow it I might kill myself (or at the very least, suffer through some grapefruit sized kidney stones). But after the “education” I received from that horrible dermatologist, I had to laugh so that strangers wouldn't see me cry. What does he know really? Is a dermatologist even a real doctor? Plus who cares anyway, it's not like you could tell the difference. With a little tutorial and Photo-shop, I could fool the world.

I hope your weekend was better then mine. I did end up with a fishing pole.