We've got all kinds of crazy up in here, but that's normal (& if this is normal you really don't want to see crazy). Then again, I don't know you.

This has certainly been a big week. I have managed to shower at least once and visit the bathroom unaccompanied twice (to be fair I did have a conversation with my 2 year old through the door, but I don't count that because I couldn't understand anything she was saying). I know, things like this just don't happen to me, and it's only Tuesday. I wonder what other exciting things time has in store. All I know is that I am due. This week has to better then last week, otherwise there is a good chance I will skip next week all together.

This weekend I planned a fun filled family activity for “Free Museum Day”. When you have a gaggle of children, you look forward to things like “Free Museum Day” because it allows you to see how the other side lives. The side where everyone gets their own drink and they know how things that aren't on the “Value Menu” taste (I'm not knocking value menu's but, as it turns out, veggies on burgers make a difference). So, as any good, frugal, crazy person would, I looked at the list of participating establishments and picked the most expensive. We went to the Cosmosphere and Space Museum in Hutchinson, Kansas.

It is about an hour's drive west (or north or northwest. Actually, I just followed my mapquest directions, so I have no idea what direction it is. I could ask the GPS in my car but I secretly think that my car's GPS is not as smart as other navigational aids. It is not that I have anything against my car, or Fords, or the color white. I just have not had enough experience or time with the car to have that level of trust with its mechanical devices. I'm not saying that I won't get there someday, I'm just not there yet. I'm taking baby steps. I will program in the desired destination and mapquest directions as well. If they are the same then my trust level increases. If they deviate then I am torn, because I'm not sure which way to go. I generally end up heading home because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. None of this was ever an issue with Nuvi. Maybe that's where all this confusion comes from. The car (Pearl) couldn't keep Nuvi safe (Nuvi was stolen this past summer in Park City, UT) and therefore, I am unsure as to her level of security and ultimate care for me and my family. Wow, I really feel like I've had a small breakthrough here. But I will still keep my Mapquest bookmark) and that is fine with me because I am as much about the journey as the destination. My husband is the “hurry up and get there” type. We came upon a discrepancy between the paper and GPS directions so I opted for the posted signs and veered from both reliable routes, which took us right through Yoder, KS and afforded us an extra half hour of pleasant views and conversation (the kids spent most of the time slugging each other and tattling, but I tend to block that type of stuff out when I drive. Which might be why I like to drive. Look, another breakthrough!).

We just chit chatted about this and that. I mentioned that I really like Kansas, but it would be nice to go home some day (Texas). He made an off hand comment about how I need to learn to trust the car more and how it might not be too long before we get back home. I asked what he meant and he launched into the intricacies that go into the way the car makes driving decisions and how, as long as I use my personal common sense, I should always get to wherever I'm going. Whatever.

I stopped into Burger King for some lunch. There were no less then 11 cars in the drive through and the lobby was empty. Deciding that there was a good chance I would shortly be inhaling over 1100 calories, I volunteered to speed things up by heading inside to order. This was a mistake. I quickly ordered and waited as all 11 cars plus and additional 3 were served before me. While I waited, I picked up the local newspaper because the headline caught my eye. My husband's company announced late Friday night that they would be laying off 350 salaried workers just in time for the Holidays.

Why do they announce layoffs, I wonder? Wouldn't it be more humane to announce the cuts as you hand the poor sucker a pink slip and have security remove him from the building? As a corporation, you sort of show your hand with the announcement, leaving yourself open for all sorts of bad stuff. If I were an employee with any confidence in my abilities and value (luckily I am completely void of any marketable skills, and therefore overflowing with confidence in my capabilities to do anything and everything put before me. Having not had a job in the past almost 13 years, I know of what I speak, and everyone should absolutely do as I say I would if anyone was crazy enough to employ me in a salaried position), I would immediately start looking for a new job as soon as the announcement was made. If I was as good as I thought I was, even better. I'll have a new job in no time. Aren't these the “good” employees that the company might want to keep? Don' they risk losing all their skilled and valuable work force as opposed dropping the dead weight? Conversely, if I were a slacker who knew my number was up as soon as the layoff was revealed (because I know, through my vast amount of experience in the workforce, know that there are a fair number of these characters to fill seats), wouldn't I attempt to make sure I didn't walk away empty handed (I assume if you are unethical enough to collect a paycheck for merely showing up, then you would have no trouble pocketing a stapler...or the latest project file...or a computer)? I'm just saying. I know that there are severance packages to tide folks over, but the mental anguish of wondering for a month or two if it is your job that will be cut is sort of cruel. Having survived 3 layoffs with a previous company and 5 or 6 with the current, I can attest that being the spouse and dependent of an employee that may or may not be on the chopping block, this situation is no picnic. In fact, I can be downright unpleasant during these periods. Then I remembered that my sweet hubby was very intent upon me learning to trust the car.

I decided to cut him a little slack and let him think that I didn't know as to not make the stress worse on him. If he wanted me to know, he would tell me. He was just being the smart man that he is, and looking to avoid my tension and stress related mood swings. Five minutes later we pulled into the Cosmosphere.

The kids were so excited that we decided to have a seat in the shade of a rocket and enjoy what might be the last fast food we get to partake of for a long while. But I better make sure they eat it slow because I don't want them wolfing it down and growing too much because shoes for growing boys are expensive. What if the get some of it caught in their teeth requiring several hundreds of dollars worth of dental attention that we may or may not have dental insurance for? They might as well enjoy the weather outside because they all need new jackets when it starts getting colder and those aren't free. So they'll have to stay inside to save money. But it will have to be cold inside too because heat isn't free. In fact, I did feel a chill moving in. We might need those coats sooner rather then later and the car needs new tires. Plus I broke the disposal last week and have been hiding the leaking from my husband with a bucket under the sink hidden behind cleaner bottles until a time when I could blame the breaking on him. What if that doesn't happen before he gets canned? (Look, I have never hidden the fact that I am a little crazy. These are real thoughts that passed through my head as we looked for a shady spot and sat down to eat, along with several others that are way too out there for me to share with people I might still want to like me later). As soon as we sat down, my sweet, oblivious (and a little devious) 5 year old knocked over the 32 oz Dr. Pepper that was the only hope of calming the crazy before it breached the surface and gave me away. I hadn't even taken a sip.

I lost it (a little).

They was yelling. There was pacing. There was shaking. There may have been some crying. It wasn't until I was chastising my 5 year old through tears for ruining my lunch that I realized I had not held it together as well as I would have liked to. My husband was just staring at me. All I could say was, “ You have seriously underestimated how badly I wanted that soda.” We finished the meal drinkless, in silence.

My husband, in a move that goes against his every instinct (He doesn't like to spend money or support my caffeine addiction) purchased me another soda in the museum 5 minutes later. I felt so bad as I drained it the first time and got up for a refill.

Once the calm was ingested, we had a rather enjoyable day. I recommend the Cosmosphere to any science or space enthusiast. It was fun and I almost forgot about the possibility of impending poverty. I was almost cheerful...until we got home and I remembered (too late) that I forgot to empty the blame bucket under the disposal.

We are installing the new disposal this evening and I have a secret stash of soda under the stairs. Good luck to everyone fighting the crazies inflicted by the announcements at both Hawker-Beech Craft and Cessna this past week. I hope you handle it better then me.

Once I lose a little weight I will put up a "Before" picture, then shorly follow it up with another "Before" until I feel ready to accept the "After".

I had finally had enough of watching my midsection (and let's face it, the rest of my bottom half as well) expand. I took drastic measures and began frequenting the gym. I'm no “gym rat”, but I do a fair impression. I spend 3 days a week at the gym for two hours, and then ride a few miles on my stationary bike at home. I have been doing this for the past 2 weeks and I have dropped 5 lbs. That's right, 34 hours equals a bag of potatoes and a disgruntled chubby lady.

I realized early on that I like to eat, so I knew that dieting was completely out of the question. I can cut back but really, 2 cookies and a cupcake is hardly better then 1 cookie and all the crumbs plus my mini cupcake and whatever the kids left sitting for too long. No, for me, I am willing to spend more time exercising and sweaty then to stop eating all the yummy things that make me happy. I know that 5 lbs is nothing to sneeze at and I was very happy with it up until this past weekend.

This weekend we went to one of those Wellness fairs at my husband's work. You know, those early morning events that force you to walk two miles before rewarding you with a T-shirt and a hotdog lunch (complete with chips and 2 sodas). There were several booths set up to help “educate” us on healthy lifestyles (but instead of an education, I went home with pencils, pens, pedometers, cups, candy, gum, bags, bears, balls...all in multiples of 6). Usually, at the outrageously early hour of 9 am on a Saturday, I would skip the booths and head home for a nap but there were door prizes. Last year at this shindig we won our Alaskan cruise and I wasn't about to walk away from another shot at free junk that I may or may not want or need but I am not against winning. This year we only won a fishing pole but my kids were still pretty excited. I did come to the conclusion that hanging around for the prize drawings is way more fun when you win the Grand Prize as opposed to leaning on your fishing pole watching someone else walk out with stuff you would gladly trade it for, while trying to control 6 kids and a husband who wanted to leave 2 hours ago. But that's not the point.

While perusing the various vendors, I encountered a dermatologist who ruined my life. He was very nice and helpful. He lured me in with miniature candy bars and talk of outpatient procedures and then pulled out his “special” scale. It looked harmless enough and what did I have to fear? I may be a little rounder then I used to be, but I conveniently bring 6 excuses for that with me every where I go. Plus, I just lost 5 pounds. Bring on the crappy “special” scale. I will dominate it (or so I thought right before it punched me in the face and made me cry like an obese baby).

I had to take off my shoes and socks so it could send some sort of current through my body to get a variety of measurements. I stepped on while wearing my rose colored glasses only to step off and have them snatched off my face by an anorexic devil woman who promptly smashed them into tiny pieces along with all my self respect and danced in the shatters mess without even mussing her hair. I wanted to knock her over (which I could have easily done considering I was quite a bit larger then her). Heck, If I put all my weight (according to her stinking print out) behind it, I could have knocked her through several walls and possibly a time zone. Who would have thought that a small slip of receipt paper could shake my foundation to the core?

The results were correct (according to all 4 beanpoles working the station). It confirmed that I currently weigh 178 lbs (Take a breath. That is not the shocking part. I knew that part. I had a baby 5 months ago for Pete’s sake. I am still nursing. How can a person birth one little human after another and not hold on to a little padding? Stop judging me!!! I thought we were friends.). Apparently 68 pounds of that is water, 40 pounds of that is bone and structural necessities, and (here's the Earth shattering part) the remaining 70 pounds is a yummy mixture of Dr Pepper, Cheetos, and various brands of Chocolate, ice cream, and fast food. Seventy Pounds.
70 pounds.
Seventy lbs.
70 lbs.
No matter how you put it, I have an eight year old worth of fat hugging my curves. Wait, I have an eight year old creating my curves. No wonder I'm so lumpy. Have you ever seen an eight year old color? Half the time I can't even tell what it's supposed to be! You see what I'm saying right? After that news five pounds seems like a joke. It amounts to little more then a healthy pee before weighing myself. 34 hours of work for what, a trip to the lue? What is the point? Why even bother?

Needless to say, my weekend was ruined and it took 2 cupcakes and a HoHo to calm me down. Once I was calm (and my husband was able to pry the pastries out of my hand), I decide that I needed to reprocess the information and form a new battle plan. I like exercising...sometimes. It gives me some time away from the kids and really it makes me feel better. I mean, before that scale sucked all of the hope out of my life, I was really happy with the 5 pounds. Plus, in reality, I'm not Biggest Loser fat (I know, I applied and was rejected). I am slightly over my recommended weight and about 30 pounds from my ideal weight. Even setting my expectations lower then 5 pounds in two weeks, I will only have to keep it up at this pace for 3 months. I am a champ at maintaining my weight. So, all I need is a new game plan and perspective.

Here goes...I have a 3 prong plan designed to attack all areas of weight and attitude. It is truly a holistic approach, leaving out no area that can be exploited for weight loss.
New Perspective and Plan:
1. Drink Less water and pee more. (I otta be able to chip away at that 68 lbs in no time.)
2. Sweat more (no problem, since I had the baby I can't seem to stop sweating. Gotta love the untold joys of motherhood)
3. Drink more soda (I've heard that the carbonation in soda eats away the calcium in your bones thereby making them lighter.)
4. Stop lifting heavy things (as muscle weighs more then fat)
5. Realize that they must have left out information (I now can accept the 70 lbs, if I account for all items included. Brain matter, not being a STRUCTURAL necessity or water, must have been included in the third classification. Now lets be frank people, I am a genius, so it should not surprise or upset me that my brain weighs far more then the eight pound average touted in Jerry McGuire. I am quite sure that mine is well into the 25 – 30 lb range and that is a good thing. So to lose weight in this area, I will continue with what I am doing in my time at the gym because I now realize that I have less to lose because I can't be less smart.).

Now before you, my dear reader, freak out. Remember that I am smarter then most people (I wasn't joking about that part so stop smirking) and I know that my plan is slightly flawed. I realize that if I follow it I might kill myself (or at the very least, suffer through some grapefruit sized kidney stones). But after the “education” I received from that horrible dermatologist, I had to laugh so that strangers wouldn't see me cry. What does he know really? Is a dermatologist even a real doctor? Plus who cares anyway, it's not like you could tell the difference. With a little tutorial and Photo-shop, I could fool the world.

I hope your weekend was better then mine. I did end up with a fishing pole.

Would you say un-motivated or under-motivated? Forget it I'll just put lazy.

Hello faithful reader (although it has been so long since I have updated and I guess you are more of a faithful checker then reader, but I'll give you props either way because you are the only person who will take the time to sit and check...or read). I know I have been on an extended break from the blogosphere but I've had more pressing issues to attend to.

First off I managed to successfully birth another child. If you look to your right you will notice that another little person, strongly resembling the other little people, has made the picture strip. I guess he looks a little like me too. At any rate, I now have 6 bundles of joy that require my time and attention.

He was born in late April, just in time for the rest of them to join us full time for the summer. I hate summer vacation. If I had known how hard it was on my mom I never would have enjoyed it as much as I did (although I was such a snot, I may have enjoyed it a little more). I go from being mom the locator, ATM, taxi driver, organizer, dresser, donate-ore, signer, bather, alarm clock, and room mother to mom the entertainer (because I don't care if they get up, get dressed, or can find anything clean in the summer). And I would rather do all of those other things then entertain my children for 3 months without electronic support (TV, DVD, MP3, Wii, Computer...). It was as if I had another child and all the sudden my life wasn't so funny anymore. I now know that it was all my husband's fault. My hair has begun falling out by the handfuls and I recognize the person staring back at me in the mornings. So I would say I am back to normal. The kids are back in school and now I have time to try to salvage the carpet that I know is beneath the piles of clothes, toys, and stains but instead I sit here. Utterly without motivation.

It is interesting to me that some things come to me so easily and others I have to fight for everyday. For instance, I have become quite good at falling asleep anywhere at anytime. I mean I am getting narcoleptic good. But I have to fight for a quality night sleep. I am so good at knowing what I want to say but I have to fight almost everything in me to say it in a way that doesn't leave people weeping in my wake. How did this happen?

I used to fight sleep but now, when I lay down I can't get my brain to shut off (I know I'm sleeping because my children keep walking in to talk to me) but I wake up more often and am more tired then when I began. Maybe it isn't so much that it is different then it used to be. Maybe I am just noticing it now. When you are young and single, the world is your oyster and everyday can be an adventure. When you are an old married person, every day's adventure seems like a very familiar mix of baby poo, crying, tattling, cooking, and a pronounced lack of water interaction. All things requiring patience, kindness, and love all of which are way easier to manage if you have had more then two continuous hours of sleep.

The thinking and saying one is a little harder. Like all people, I have a constant barrage of thoughts tromping through my head. Some are nice, some are not so nice, and some are downright mean. I do have a few genuinely kind and complementary thoughts but only around the holidays (not even I am immune from the holiday spirit) but let's focus on the norm. As I have gotten older (and tireder) a few things have happened.
1) My thoughts have gotten more harsh and definite
2) They get to my lips faster then they used to
3) I realize the value of good friends
4) I don't want to hurt people on purpose like I did when I was a horrible teenager
5) I hate apologizing.

Put all of these things together and it makes for one hot mess. It's like I think of something mean and in an attempt to head off the problem I blurt out an apology for something I haven't even said thereby giving my thoughts away and seeming like a crazy person all at the same time.

The presence of six kids doesn't help my case either. My oldest has been around me long enough to know what is going on so in order to keep him from explaining it to the witnesses, I have to bribe him. I now own stock in Coke. It seemed like the best way to make it a win-win (win) situation. My only saving grace is that if you are one of the good friends, you know me well enough to recognize the inner struggle and earn yourself a bribe of your own. What would I do without good friends that don't require and apology (aside from hang out with only my kids a who lot more)? In the end I have adopted the practice of sarcasm with a smile. I have found that I am very good at keeping people guessing as long as I am smiling.

The point is that I am crazy and unmotivated and therefore back. Now that I have a little free time I will be attempting to update this blog at least once a month (no point in setting an unattainable goal). In other news I (and by I, I mean my dear, sweet husband) have potty trained the 2 year old. I only share that info because she is now flashing me to inform me that she has misplaced her “pannies.” Another side-note is that I hate the word “panties.”

Have a great couple of weeks and I'll see you when I see you.

Happy New Year (now let's talk about my personal views)

Hello all. Again I have taken myself quite a little break in between updates. I’m not sure that has as much to do with my laziness as it does with the sad fact that there is really nothing big happening in my life. That is actually a good thing, because all too often I commentate on the ways of the world that irk me in one way or another (which for a while there seemed relatively easy to do) but now maybe this hiatus means that I might actually be a little happier in my daily routine.

As you know, we have entered the new and terribly exciting year of 2010. This has not stirred any new musings on its own so I am forced to discuss myself (which I hate to do because it tends to interfere in my delusions of near perfection and above upper average intelligence). Usually I look to family or close friends to bring me down a notch or two, but in this New Year and the start of a new decade, I have decided it is time for me to see what makes me so much fun to dwell on.

The big news this year (and the past) has been the economy. I have been very blessed to be supported buy a very smart man that I have taught (completely inadvertently) to be extremely patient and an all around peace-maker (which also makes you an asset in almost any environment). These, and other wonderful qualities, have kept him employed (which has kept me and my compulsion to eat out every day because it makes me feel like I have control over my life but unfortunately not my weight). In spite of the employment situation, we are joining the rest of the country in cutting back on our spending. I have cut back on school fundraisers and the personal beatification process (which I was never really into before but, by saying things like this, I go from having “crack whore” roots to being trendy with my new fiscally responsible root choices). I have also made up for decrease in monetary payments to the school with my physical presence. I feel that being there and pitching in more then makes up for the money (but again, I do tend to think highly of my amazing skills). Other parents however, have not followed my lead (and I love to lead).

In my community, there are many people who have been laid off in the past few months. Some of them are actively searching for jobs and others have hit a wall and are taking some time to reevaluate their purpose in the greater scheme of things. None the less, volunteerism at the school has not increased while the need greatly has. I am on the PTO, site council, and the room mother for 2 of my little’uns. As I was planning the last “Holiday Party” (which I think is the new PC term for all holidays but in this case refers to Halloween. We still invoked the traditional spider/bat/witch motif but refrained from encouraging children to enjoy the candy they were inhaling because it defines and could encourage children to enjoy dressing up and begging for candy door to door as it will eventually lead to the corruption and downfall of the human race. You know just like prayer and speaking of God…Ever) I decided that it was not fair to ask a few parents who were assumed to have the means to provide snacks and treats for the class. I instead, broke all of the classes needs down into groups that would not cost any parent more then $2 or $3 to provide. I clearly thought this was a genius idea. Unfortunately, not everyone shared my views. While every parent stepped up and fulfilled their assignments, there were outside naysayers that claimed that there are those who this put undue financial stress on. I was told that by definition, volunteering was optional and I was making participation mandatory. I however, think that being a parent makes participation mandatory (I could be wrong but it is highly unlikely). I want parents to remember that they have kids and that sometimes kids cost money ($2 to $3) and have needs (Halloween Parties and the like). I want parents to realize it is time for a little family involvement. I really think that if we are going to find a way out of this economic and political mess, we have to start in the home with a happy and strong family. My way of promoting my views is forcing parents (all parents) to bring homemade cupcakes or themed pencils to school on behalf of their children and not allowing them to assume that someone else will pick up their slack and provide. (My bigger plans are to take over the world one classroom at a time but it is all about baby steps.)

I am also out trying to peddle ad space on the back of a t-shirt to buy playground equipment and make up for budget shortfalls (so if you know anyone who might want to give me $$$$ let me know).

I have now realized that I have a 4 year old and an almost 2 year old downstairs who have been without adult supervision for far too long and have gotten quiet. I have no doubt I will find a lovely little surprise down there waiting for me so I must end my tirade here. Check back in another couple of months because I feel a rant about how it is not the governments’ job to make sure you are employed coming on. I hope that all of you had/have an enjoyable and prosperous new year. I’m out.